So I haven't been writing much. In truth, there hasn't been much to write about. At least nothing refreshing or positive for you to chew on. I guess most of the time I try to write about something exciting; something that will make you want to come here and read about all the wonderful things that are happening in my, or AW's, world. I regret to inform you that there has been none of that, and so I've been putting off writing just to avoid having to tell you the truth about myself. But today I realised that if you're here in the first place, then you would probably be interested in the truth, even if it doesn't necessarily warm you up on the inside. Besides, I should probably respect you enough to let you in on my life anyway. After all, isn't that where the music comes from? I imagine it does.
So here's where I am. My relationship of three years ended a few months ago. March, I guess it was. As much as I thought I would be able to pull myself out of it, I haven't, and I can't. It wouldn't be fair for me to say that it came out of nowhere, but the day it happened I felt like it did, and I haven't been able to bounce back from it.
The problem with putting so much of yourself into something is that when it breaks, it's not a reality that you can face or understand or accept. Not to mention the fact that the longer you are with someone, the stronger the promise becomes. The promise that you will stand by each other, and the idea that it was "meant to be" that way; you and her together. But with a promise like that, it becomes easy to trust yourself too much. Trust that you've made a good decision. Trust that she feels the same. Trust that it's safe to invest so much of yourself into another person. Trust that allowing your relationship with this person to become so much a part of your identity is a good idea. Too much trust altogether, it seems, though the actual problem was not enough trust. In me. I hurt her. Not physically, ever. But emotionally I hurt her and she could never trust me again after that. I don't blame her, and I can't blame her, which is what makes it worse. At least if this was somehow on her shoulders then I could hate her and move on. But it's not. It's on mine.
And so, every day I am buried inside my own head with regret, jealousy, guilt and all the other things that cause a person to self-destruct. The details of just how much I have fallen apart aren't really important here and would probably seem like a "cry for help" in this context anyway, so I will avoid that. But I gave everything to her, and with every ounce of my being I knew that she was the one for me. I still feel that way, and I don't think that will ever go away. The hurt has not faded, even a little, and every day I am sinking more and more, and it's killing me. In the past this would be the time to pick up a pen. I tried, but I don't feel like writing and in all honesty I don't care if I ever write another song. So here's one last verse:
It's a long way from the Minnesota gray
and the nights keep getting long without the sleep
and as the bottle empties out
I find it hard to live without
the girl I would have died for just to keep
And it's a long way from the things I meant to say
and it's such a heavy price to have to pay
cause every day I'm finding out
there's nothing left to sing about
when parts of you have died in every way
I hope she finds happiness. As for myself, I respectfully decline.
Hope that explains the silence.
Matthew McCain Glascoe